COPING SKILLS

 (Excerpts from Focus Adolescent Services at www.focusas.com)

                One of the most important skills our middle schoolers need to learn is how to cope successfully with the multitude of challenges with which they are presented daily.  If you think about it, how effective would we, as adults, be if we fell apart whenever our lives didn’t work out exactly the way we planned?  Imagine becoming paralyzed with depression if the water heater breaks and floods the basement, plagued with anxiety if your wallet is lost, or drinking heavily if you’re not invited to a party.  We must cope with adversity by working through the problems of life, solving them and emerging on the other side with grace and integrity.  So do our children.  But, how can they learn this skill?  They must learn by managing their smaller, adolescent calamities.  If we jump in and solve their problems for them, they will never learn.  We do them no favors by taking on their responsibilities, because learning how to accept responsibility for one’s personal disasters is the only way to learn to cope.  We shouldn’t solve their problems but we can help them to develop coping skills.  And if our adolescents learn to cope with the little stuff, they will know better how to cope with the big stuff.  

                What sorts of issues pose stress and require coping skills by our middle schoolers?  Some sources of stress might include:

·         School demands and frustrations, such as managing assignments

·         Changes in their bodies

·         Negative thoughts and feelings about themselves

·         Problems with friends (major issue)

·         Conflicts

·         Separation or divorce of parents

·         Taking on too many activities or having too high expectations

·         Unsafe living environment

·         Death or illness of a loved one, or severe family problems

·         Changing schools or moving to a new community

·         Family financial problems

When teens become overloaded with unmanaged stress that they lack coping skills to manage, they may suffer anxiety, withdrawal, aggression, physical illness or drug and/or alcohol use. 

                Parents can help their adolescents manage stress and learn coping skills by:

·         Monitoring if stress is affecting their health, behavior, thoughts or feelings

·         Listening carefully and watch for overloading

·         Learning and modeling effective coping and stress management skills

·         Encouraging them to discuss their problems

·         Supporting involvement in sports and other pro-social activities

·         Helping them to learn relaxation exercises

·         Developing assertiveness skills, such as expressing feelings with “I” statements -  “I feel angry when you yell at me”.

·         Helping them to break large tasks into smaller, more manageable tasks

·         Decreasing negative self talk

·         Learning to feel good about doing a competent job rather than demanding perfection from oneself and others

·         Building a network of friends who help them cope in positive ways

·         Learning self-acceptance, getting over hurt feelings and feeling good about themselves

·         Focusing on the positive

Life’s daily challenges are either problem-focused or emotion-focused.  Teaching adolescents how to solve these challenges builds resilience.  Self-confidence grows and competence increases when we promote resilience by teaching mastery of conflict.   Each time our adolescents successfully master a challenging situation, they build resilience by increasing their coping skills.